Friday, January 05, 2007

the history of dwight k. schrute's new year's resolutions

January 04, 05:33 PM

Dear World Wide Readership

Best wishes and Happy New Year from all of us at Dunder Mifflin Paper Products and Schrute Farms! (Note the exclamation point! I really mean it!!)

Before I speak to you about my new years resolutions for ‘07’, let’s go over some past resolutions and their current status.

‘99 – quit biting fingernails.Outcome? Done. On it. Haven’t chewed them since. Ever. Not one nibble. Even when I get a hangnail.

’00 – increase farm productivity by 18%. Outcome? Schrute Farms had a record harvest that year surpassing ’99 by over 21%. Home run.

’01 – increase farm productivity by additional 4%. Outcome? Not achieved. Profits increased by 7% but productivity when down by 2.5 %. It was a very dark time. Things got kind of ugly. (This was the year Mose gave up his moto-cross dream and hunkered down and committed to doing some serious beet farmin’.)

’02 – be more social. This was the year I got into online gaming. Also began 4 year championship laser tag run. Went on more than 3 dates. Spruced up wardrobe. Switched deodorant to the kind that the sailors use.

’03 - write and record my songs and music. Outcome? Not necessary. Decided against it. Waste of time. Songs are for children and inmates. Switched resolution to increase farm productivity by additional 3%. Achieved new resolution.

’04 – find mate. Outcome? Dated more than 2 different women during this calendar year. Kissed approximately one of them on the mouth.
Increased sales, was voted top salesman by Dunder Mifflin, won first ‘Dundie’ Award ™, increased farm productivity by 2.7%, asked for and received raise, spent Christmas with Michael Scott, took Mose to the international harvester exposition (and Indian casino), moved up to a daily regimen of 27 pushups and 85 situps.

Did not achieve goal of finding mate.

Am OK with that.

’05 – Can’t remember what I resolved to do. These pages in my diary are covered in chocolate milk.

’06 – Become top regional salesperson third year running and achieve ‘assistant regional manager’ status. Done and done. Also found potential mate. Also vanquished Jim. Purchased spud gun. Learned Klingon. Personally saved Scranton branch from being downsized.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Drum-roll please….


Dwight Schrute’s New Years Resolution ‘07

I, Dwight Schrute, resolve, in the year 2007, to display more wisdom and benelovence to my inferiors.

It is said, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well I say, keep everyone as close as possible to you because you don’t know who is your friend or your enemy. Keep the people below you even closer if that’s possible. Even if they have to be inside you.

Remember: they work for you. They must respect you. If you can fool them into thinking that you really care, you can get them to do anything for you. Even kill if necessary.

Now I’m not saying I want Ryan or Kevin to kill a competitor or Andy or anything, but it would be nice to know that they would if I asked them to.

What are your new years resolutions. You can reply by clicking on something below.

That is all.

Dwight K. Schrute

(courtesy of schrute-space)

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